So...Josh and I broke up.

He initiated it, but I basically agreed. Breaking up makes more sense than staying together, etc etc, and so on. Don't feel like typing it up, frankly. Still friendly, as few hard feelings as is possible when you break up after a year and a half.

Which doesn't mean it doesn't blow, because it blows, and I feel incredibly shitty, even though it wasn't his fault. Or mine. Fuck these no fault breakups.

I'm sorry about informing most of y'all via LJ. The people I would call are basically all busy or asleep and I'm not so upset I need wake up or interrupt people. I'm drinking tea and alternately crying and bitching to Rachel. I'm coping. I'll deal.

This has been a long week and I feel like I've been emotionally slammed against a wall a few times. I keep thinking I'd like to write something meaningful, but there's very little I can say that hasn't been said elsewhere and more eloquently, and the more I think the more I just spiral downwards into unhappiness.

Wow, that was melodramatic. Whoops, sorry.

Anyway.

Concentrating on the good: I saw Phil today! Only for, like, five minutes, but still. Glint was playing in Central Park and he texted me to let me know; I snuck out of work early to see if I could get there in time. I might well have, had I not gotten lost in the park (seriously, given the size and ramblyness of Central Park, and my lack of internal sense of direction, it's not somewhere I should wander unsupervised...). By the time I arrived, they were packing up. But I got to chat for a few minutes, and it was a lovely day to get lost in the park.

And if the Yankees can hold together for two more innings, I will be happy about that, at least.

There have been other good things, too; small moments. But the bad stuff feels really huge and overwhelming, and like there's nothing I can do but wait it out until I'm used to it. But who wants to get used to bad things? So...yeah.

Someday I will post the rest of my 5 things meme. Today is not that day.

Off to Jersey to see family tomorrow. Toodles.

ETA: So much for that. Damn it.

So the good news is that my tooth feels much, much better, and I can eat again. The bad news is, I need a root canal. ( Cut for those squicked by dental details. )

(As a general FYI, I'm trying to avoid root canal horror stories. This is me, sticking my fingers in my ears. So no sharing, please.)

Anyhoo, I'm generally sort of stressed out and have been unhappy for awhile (minus having Rachel and Margot visit, which was awesome). I'm freaked out about moving, but hopefully once I get out of here, I'll be start doing a bit better. Thanks to everyone fro their earlier concern. I think I've used up my drama queen allotment for awhile, but stay tuned. You never know when a total meltdown is right around the corner!

I am not doing well.

Tonight was good. Jared is in town, so we went out; we hit Stella's fr coffee, and then saw Fun With Dick and Jane (and Wegmansed).

( Self discovery, or something. )

I remember that I used to sometimes updating with things that weren't whining, but quite frankly, not whining is overrated.

( Oh for Christ's sake. )

In better news, I'm reading a good book. That's nice.

The movie was fine.

I hit a deer. I'm okay, the car is almost entirely okay, and I don't know what happened to the dear. It wasn't in the road, and it didn't go under the wheels (and no blood was on the car) so even though I assume it was hurt, it also crossed the highway after I hit it. I feel like shit.

I need a hug.

So, Dan and I broke up tonight.

It sucks, and we both know it sucks; but we also both know it's the right thing and the right time.

So. Yeah.

The back-to-school/college-ness of everything at the moment is very, very werid, because I'm not going back to school, probably ever again, and not really going anywhere else, either. Also, today I learne that when one is in a shitty mood to begin with, Pinkerton is probably not the best album to listen to. Even very loudly.

( Whine. )

I'm worried about our kitty. She's been (or so I'd assume) feeling really rotten for a few days; just lying around without moving for hours at a time, and wasn't drinking much water or anything, and so we were keeping her inside. But I screwed up and let her out because the babycat was botheringh her and I'm a moron, and that was seven or eight hours ago. She hasn't come back yet and I just got freaked out and went looking for her, but couldn't find a flashlight, and as she's dark grey, she's rather hard to spot at night. I did check up on the road and didn't see her, which is slightly reassuring, but I don't know where she is and I'm worried because if she's hort or lying around sick or something, I'm the one who let her out.

It's a very selfish kind of upset, huh? But I'm really worried about my kitty.

Today is... not a great day.

While I'm a fairly easy going, not anal about plan making type person, I really hate having things totally out of my control. And today is just a day where I can think of three major things where all I can do is sit back and watch and think about things, but not change them.

Don't get me wrong; I'm excited for graduation. I've worked hard (...ish) for four years and and proud of myself, but I'm also scared out of my mind. I have no plans for next year. And that's just freaky. I also don't have the time to pack today that I thought I would, but I'll cope. And as for the third major thing, I can't really discuss it yet, but suffice to say that it blows. Pretty hardcore.

Oh. Hm. That made me think of something else that I don't really want to discuss, but which blows even harder.

So, yeah. This week has been very awesome, but also slightly shitty.

Here is what I have concluded from two phone calls within the last five minutes, personal experience, and conversation with my suitemates:

Today sucks and should be stricken from the record.

(The best part of the day, thus far, was Pat letting me whine at him for fifteen minutes before his midterm. The worst part was everything else.)

Just got my rejection letter from the internship, finally.

I had figured, but...

Ah, well.

So my week has kind of sucked and probably will continue to at least through about 5 AM and possibly longer.

However, I will say this. My mother is the most awesome human being ever.

Someone please tell me I feel like this because I'm exhausted and have a headache from hell. Please.

It's like...

Back in elementary school, waking up early before the first day of school, looking at all of my awesome new school supplies, being excited to find out who was in my class, and looking forward to getting into the familiar building. Practically skipping the two blocks to school, getting there early and buzzing with anticipation.

I didn't sleep well last night. I'm not exactly nervous about school, though I think I'll probably have significantly more work this semester than I have in awhile. But I think that's the problem. I'm so totally apathetic; I don't feel anything about starting classes one way or the other. I woke up before my alarm today, a combination of feeling ill (which has nothing to do with classes whatsoever) and having gone to bed early last night, which was also due to feeling ill and exhausted. With no reason for the exhaustion - I collapsed around 4:30 and napped until almost 7, then avoided everyone in my suite and visiting my suite because I felt sick and tired and antisocial and couldn't deal with it. I did clean my room, but that's about it.

So I'm not exhausted for the first day of classes, for the first time since... probably first semester freshman year. But I still feel a bit sick (luckily, my good friend Pepto is floating around here somewhere.) And totally apathetic.

I realized yesterday that I miss high school, because I miss feeling smart.

I miss elementary school, because I miss looking forward to starting new classes and learning new things.

I wonder where all of that went.

...Well, I probably ought to go shower and get ready for the classes I really don't care about one way or the other (sigh).