I don't think that I will miss you
I probably won't keep in touch
'Cause I don't love you
That much...

...

That's all a lie, but I like the lyrics anyway. I am probably going to have to cut flist and drop out of a bunch of communities, because dial-up makes the baby Jesus cry and my flist takes, um, a million years to load... But that's to be expected, I guess.

Anyway, I'm home safely and Tulio is all set up with Earthlink. I miss everyone already and this morning... Sucked. Yeah, that's really the world for it. I'm still exhausted and drained, so I shall go take a nap instead of signing on to AIM, but will possibly be on tonight.

(FYI, should anyone want to email me, the new address is allreb@gmail.)

Despite being busy today with, you know, graduating, I managed to update the other journal on schedule: Graduation Day in Q&A Format.

Why aren't I excited?

Still is fucking tired I want to sleep until July, but I'm coping a bit better now. I've started "packing" and by "packing" I mean "throwing shit out," which is actually kind of a good feeling. But I bet it would be a better feeling after twelve hours of sleep. Ah, well.

So. Tired. Urg.

So, because the journalism program is a minor, not a major, it doesn't get it's own mini-commensement, and thus we had a mini-mini-commensement this morning. I got seriously, majorly choked up. Part of this may have been the fact that I got less than four hours of sleep, but I really just don't even know what to do anymore.

I love my advisor so much. He's an amazing professor and by far better than I could have asked for as an advisor, and I'm so glad that he wants to keep in touch and continue to be helpful. I feel lost, but I feel like he can help.

I still have to pack. I look around my room and just don't know what to do. I just realized that in the kitchen, I have pots and pans, and a microwave and a toaster oven. Christ.

I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep and cry on and off until my birthday. Would that be okay?

Today is... not a great day.

While I'm a fairly easy going, not anal about plan making type person, I really hate having things totally out of my control. And today is just a day where I can think of three major things where all I can do is sit back and watch and think about things, but not change them.

Don't get me wrong; I'm excited for graduation. I've worked hard (...ish) for four years and and proud of myself, but I'm also scared out of my mind. I have no plans for next year. And that's just freaky. I also don't have the time to pack today that I thought I would, but I'll cope. And as for the third major thing, I can't really discuss it yet, but suffice to say that it blows. Pretty hardcore.

Oh. Hm. That made me think of something else that I don't really want to discuss, but which blows even harder.

So, yeah. This week has been very awesome, but also slightly shitty.

So you know that scene at the end of Aladdin, where the Genie is wished free and he starts bouncing around and yelling like a crazy man?

Yeah, that's about how I feel right now.

I am done. with. college. Done! Nothing left to do but walk at commensement! Done done done diddy done done! No more college! Done!

I love my troupe so much. I think out of everything I've done at Brandeis, it's what I'm the most proud of.

And the fact that they (well, mostly Boyo) gave me Pop Culture Trivial Pursuit genuinely has nothing to do with it. I think leaving Boris' makes it harder to think about graduating than anything else...

Alas, my fajitas don't seem to have survived the reheating process and were rendered uneatable. Ah, well.

Last night was fun; there was a long waiting period to be seated, but Leah, Margot, Sam and I hit Margaritas, and had fabulous Mexican food (hence the fajitas) and, well, margaritas. I may have been a bit tipsy. Oops.

In other news, I finished the rough draft of a YA scifi novel, and now am left staring at it, wondering, Now what? It's a little disconcerting.

I have exactly one week of Brandeis class left. Also (sniff) one week of my internship left. And yet, massive amounts of work to do. Which... kinda blows.

Speaking of blowing, if Mussina doesn't strike someone out, I swear to god, I will hitch a ride to Baltimore and scold him.

Oh, nutbunnies.

Looking at my trusty iCal, I just discovered I have another paper due on Friday. Drat drat drat.

I'm really only taking this well because I have too much to do to panic.

( To Do list, for my own benefit )

So, um, yeah. Baseball = teh good. Student loans = teh bad. I just did my online exit counseling session and basically, I'm going to be repaying my loans for TEN TO THIRTY YEARS. Which I already knew, but seeing it in black and white? Yeah, scared the shit out of me. Jesus Christ.

Okay, I'm fine. Fiiiiine. Absolutely fine.

Meanwhle, work update: 1 out of 3 books read (due friday); paper not yest starte (due wednesday).

Okay. Bed now. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh.

...Because college is about to push you out of the airplane and laugh as you fall spiraling to your death.

The title is a quote from Rachel's time at Hiatt, which is now four years old. Weird. (Actually, I saw the same David as she did, upon rereading.)

Anyway.

I also met with my advisor, shortly after the bitchy post about classes, and instead of giving up on me (What? Not giving up on me? How odd!) he handed me three more internships to apply for.

You know, because I up for another round of rejection. It's been a week or two and the stupid commercial about dream internships with Mastercard (or whatever the fuck they are) no longer makes me cringe for more than a few seconds.

Sigh.

And the thing is, even though it'll be in a rush, and my applications are super late, and so on and so forth, a stupid tiny part of me remains optimistic. I'd like to squish that part right now, quite frankly, because it's that part that causes me to cry. But I also can't just give up and not apply, because a) my (patient, saintly) advisor would skin me alive; and b) yes, I would like to be vaguely employable upon graduation.

So, here we go again.

(Yes, you can expect a lot of "holy shit what the fuck am i doing jesus christ don't make me graduate!!!!!" posts this semester; feel free to ignore them. I may be flipping out, but the flip outs don't last more than an hour or two each.)

So, I went to Hiatt; David the career guidance guy doesn't seem to think I'm totally unemployable. Just, you know, probably unemployable. Which is super fun. (Basically, "If you apply to enough totally unrelated, boring, entry level jobs in industries you don't care about, you can probably get one of them. Maybe.")

That's not the current "aaaaarg", though. The annoyance I have at the moment is that I went to one of my classes for the first time and... didn't like it. I mean, I'd have liked it if it was any other semester, but I already have two classes that I do like and that will require a fair amount of reading (and for various reasons I probably can't weasel my way out of it and pretend very often). And since the reading list for the class didn't interest me, but it's both reading and writing heavy... I don't want to take it. But, in all of the possible various areas I'm interested in, in that same time slot (in order to keep from screwing up my work schedule), the only vaguely interesting looking class?

Jerry. Cohen.

Here's the thing. I really liked my first JC class (Intro to Amst); it's the reason I decided to become an American Studies major. And my second one I didn't like as much, but didn't mind that much, either. (Conspiracy Theories.) But the third one, which by all rights should have been awesome (Violence in American Culture) I hated, and I left is swearing I'd never take another JC class, that he was frustrating and annoying and just grrrr!! But on the other hand, being a JC class (but without having been there) I can be pretty sure that the requirements are two papers and a final exam, that I can blow off most of the reading, and not worry too much about the class and still get a fairly easy B+.

Maybe that sounds horrible, but damn it. I'm a second semester senior, I'll be doing two classes I actually care about and an independent study (probably), and trying to get a job for after graduation. I'd like to take at least one really easy class. Is that wrong?

So do I take it? Or keep searching? *sigh*

For anyone curious, I certainly did not flip out today with an extreme case of "holy shit, I have to graduate in four and a half months" and panic. I absolutely didn't scream, bitch, yell at my friends, or feel shakey. I certainly am not depressed or over emotional and looking at the ten page (dual sided) syllabus for one of my classes didn't make me want to start sobbing.

I'm fine. No, really. I'm having a good time.

I do, however, have an appointment to talk to my advisor and an appointment at the career center. The first meeting I expect will be productive; the second... Well, we'll see.

I am perfectly stable.